Coka, I'm Fine

April 29th, 2026

Slogan of the house this week: "Nothing hits like network TV." We have been watching The X Files at my place in the evenings when I'm off of work. Having TV on in the living room helps me unwind enough so I can just sit and draw. I made a picture I felt good enough about to scan and post on FA. I talked to my therapist a lot recently about re-cultivating the personal and mental space for making art. Despite having worked on a massive, important creative project most of the last two years, I've slowly lost confidence in my own art. I'm great at pouring time into things for others, but not for me.

The only thing I feel consistently good about is making fursuits. I'm finishing up my second partial that I've made for myself. Living in a furry capital, I get asked to do repairs and make different suit pieces from time to time. I also do it as a barter -- I just made Rodo a new pair of hands in exchange for him helping me install a new stereo in my car.

My drawings as of late have pretty much just been gay stuff. Erotic, romantic, or otherwise. I feel strange about it because I always feel slightly dissociated from Gay as an identity, like I'm looking through my own sexuality through a pane of glass. I'm friends with dozens of gay guys, I honestly have more social mobility in those circles than most trans guys I know. I'm privileged in that way, I guess, but I'm still left out of the hookup and cruising scene due to my not wanting to explain to people how to use my genitals. My own fault, really!

I love drawing the moment where something desired but unexpected happens between two people. Like, when you're so close to someone you really like, your secret wish to yourself of how they would lean over and touch you in just the right way. It's sweet and sexy and dramatic, while also being perfectly mundane. I think about the ideal furry boyfriend leaning over me in the moment right before something I desperately want to happen and think about Muñoz's assertion that queerness is just out of reach. Chasing the thing that won't happen is more fun than seeking out the real thing...

Anxiety was bad today, but I did have the time to take a shower, put on clean clothes, and have a warm drink before work. I listened to My Little Airport on my commute. I remember getting this album recommended to me by a Tumblr mutual in 2013 or so, I think I actually like the way it sounds more now than I did then. Felt very cozy and taken-care-of.

P.S. Look at this cool website I found while looking up My Little Airport album titles

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